LoveWhat is love? ... How do you use it in a sentence?
I love you. She loves her children. He loves his job. We love this. They love that.
Grammatically speaking, love is a verb. A verb is an action; a deed, it is something you do. Not something you have, not something you give, nor is it something you fall into. It is not a thing; it is an action.
Love is a verb. Love-the feeling is a fruit of love the verb. So to love someone, you must serve them, sacrifice for them, listen to them, empathize with them, affirm them, and appreciate them.
They say, "God so loved the world, that he gave up his only son." The ultimate way to show someone you love them, is to make a sacrifice. And what bigger sacrifice than to die on the cross, to save us from eternal damnation?
The Bible is full of contradictions, but the one truth that it does speak out, is that of servitude. Through consideration of, and compassion for others, we must act upon the Bible's moral code and serve others. This is true throughout the whole world around. In Judaism all men must serve God as best they can. In Islam, man must make a sacrifice and submit himself to Allah. In Mahayana Buddhism, after one reaches enlightenment and comes to the door of nirvana, one does not enter that realm of bliss, but waits to help the rest of mankind reach salvation first. This is the ultimate human sacrifice, not to give up ones life for another, but to give up ones salvation for the sake of humanity.
Love is characterized as the act of servitude and sacrifice the whole world around. Through empathizing with others we give consideration and gain compassion towards them. Love is not a feeling; it is in fact, a deed.
But what about the catharsis one feels for another significant human being? Isn't that love?
Well, what is that catharsis to begin with?
The experience of 'falling in love' actually consists of a number of physical symptoms. When we are near the person, our heart rate usually increases, our hands may become clammy, and our speech and laughter patterns often change. Some researchers attribute these physical phenomena to the amino acid called phenylaline, which the body coverts into the chemical hormone phenylethylamine (PEA, also called the 'love molecule'). The production of PEA in the brain can be triggered by eye contact or hand-touching when 'in love'. When this chemical is activated, it runs through the body and creates the physical sensation of romantic love.
Research done on 'love addicts' - people who continually fall in and out of love - has revealed how this chemical operates. In some cases, when such 'addicts' are not involved in a relationship, they binge on chocolate. Chocolate contains the same chemical - pheylethylamine - that creates the physical symptoms of 'love'. These patients seemed to need to stimulate the level of this chemical in their brain. So if they are not currently in love, they increase the phenylethylamine in their system by eating large amounts of chocolate.
So, if the dating scene and marriage institution in mainstream America is based on 'free-choice love matches', then does that mean that our lifestyle is based solely on a chemical reaction?
Not really. Love-addicts are impulsive and given to the passion of the chemical, phenylethylamine. Even when some people meet some one for the first time, production of the chemical is triggered within the brain, and thus they believe it is 'love at first sight'. So for these individuals, yes, their style of dating is based on the chemical reaction.
But dating is just a practice where people learn the skills and attitudes to be part of a couple within their society. In most cases, the practice usually includes dating one or more people over a number of years, which results in finding a 'true love'. This concept of true love, also known as romantic love (one of Sternberg's eight kinds of love), involves the selection of a partner based on the following characteristics: physical attraction, shared values and goals, and compatible personalities.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg's "triangular theory of love" breaks love down into three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. He defines passion as "the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation, and related phenomena". He defines intimacy as "feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness in loving relationships". He defines commitment as "the decision that one loves someone else and ... the commitment to maintain that love". As the following chart shows, there are eight different kinds of love.
| Kinds of Love | Passion | Intimacy | Commitment |
| Non-Love | - | - | - |
| Liking | - | + | - |
| Infatuation | + | - | - |
| Empty Love | - | - | + |
| Romantic Love | + | + | - |
| Companionate Love | - | + | + |
| Fatuous Love | + | - | + |
| Consummate Love | + | + | + |
The product of the chemical phenylethylamine is usually a product of passion. Phenylethylamine is also attributed to the feelings of lust. It is a hormone that drives the human libido.
However, the feeling of 'being in love' also exists in intimacy. When one gets intimate with another person of the preferred gender, physical attraction usually becomes a factor, which leads to the production of the hormone pheylethylamine.
Commitment does not require the hormone, but in mainstream America, one usually favors at least one of the other two components to be present.
In other countries where economic factors take priority over romantic interests, such as India, one commits oneself to another person because it is easier living life as being economically interdependant with another person. In arranged marriage situations, it is also a factor of submitting to one's parents, which brings honour to everyone.
In mainstream America however, with their 'free-choice love match', commitment requires at least one of the other two components. Which eventually leads to the production of phenylethylamine.
So it is okay to allow the chemical to take over you once in a while. As long as you remember that the aforementioned kinds of love is not 'real love', but just a sensation stimulated by hormones.
These sensations are called love because modern society has been made to believe that love is a feeling. It has been an accepted thought for a long time, and thus has been entrenched into mainstream American culture. These sensations is what I like to call mainstream-love
Nonetheless, the ideal kind of love is a fruit of 'real love' - love the verb. So when you listen to someone and consider their emotions and well being, and start empathizing with them - you eventually grow an overwhelming compassion towards them. When this is mutual, both of you have become intimate. If the other person is of the preferred gender, it should eventually lead to passion. Passion stimulates the hormones, and thus, love the feeling is experienced. That is the 'ideal love'. And once two people are under this idealistic kind of love, all they must do to complete the triangle is to commit to each other.
So when you say, "I love you" to someone significant, make sure you mean it as in 'real love' - the verb.
When you say you are "in love" with someone, keep in mind that this is defined as 'mainstream love', and that there are eight different kinds of it.
Then ask yourself if what you feel is the 'ideal kind of love' - as in, there is an intimacy between you both before passion.
But then why do people love? Why do people get into relationships?
For mainstream culture in America, I like to use the analogy of relationships compared to a job.
You work in a job to get money - You love in a relationship to receive affection.
You get a part time job because you want to make more money.
You get into a casual relationship (as in no commitment, i.e. part time lover), because you desire human affection.
You get into a career because it is the economical basis of your survival.
You get into a serious relationship (as in with commitment, i.e. full time lover), because it is the emotional basis of your existence.
Some people chose to work in a specific career, even if it doesn't pay much, because it is what they enjoy doing the most.
Some people chose to love in a specific serious relationship, even if they do not receive much affection in return, because they just have so much compassion towards that other person.
Someone once asked me "why do you get up in the morning?"
When you boil it down, it comes to desire. If it were not for human desire, we would have no motive to stay alive.
We love because it is a human desire to be loved.
How we come to chose who we love the most, is a phenomena of compassion which cannot be fully explained.
A wise thing I once heard was:
"The greatest thing you can ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return"
So to wrap this up: this Valentines Day, go out and love, and love properly.
wait ... what about the phrase "they are in love"? Isn't that a noun?
'They are in love' - only means that they are experiencing, and taking part in, 'mainstream love' ...
This is merely a conflict of definition ...
But using that definition is still a noun ... and how can you be sure that Sternberg's theory is correct?
Whether or not Sterberg was correct with his 'triangular theory of love', is only part of the entry ... the entry was about the fact that real love is a verb ...
but yes, love the feeling - the emotion, the sensation of chemical reactions, is indeed a noun ... however that's not real love ... that's mainstream love
So are you saying your "mainstream love" is a bad thing?
I'm not saying that 'mainstream love' is a bad thing ... in fact, that's the key to a very successful relationship ... however, mainstream love is (or should be) a fruit of real love - the verb
So are you saying that people should love others in the verb tense, before they can fall in love with them - as in the noun?
If you really loved someone - in the verb tense, it is possible for you to 'fall' into mainstream love with them ...
but i will admit, in today's world, it's usually the other way around ... ppl fall into mainstream love first, before they actually love some one in the verb tense ...
but in this case, ppl usually hav to struggle to learn to love, and prove to their partners (and even themselves) that they truly love them ...
that's what dating is (or supposed to be) ... every relationship you get into is just practise for marriage ... you practice how to love
So why do people need relationships?
Another psychologist by the name of John Lee believes that romantic love serves a pyschological need in humans. He theorizes that we have a psychological craving to be loved, and that this need for love is especially strong in a society that is becoming more urbanized and alienating. People look for a mirror image of themselves to fill the empty feeling of being alone. The loving relationships they get into foster their self-esteem.
Similarly, this goes to prove my theory on the analogy between love-relationship-affection and work-job-money. Like money is an ecconomical need, affection is an emotional/psychological need.
So let me just explain this in a bit more detail, using a diagram to show the divisions of love:
| Love | | |
/ | | \ | |
| | Mainstream Love
the noun | |
\ | | \ | | |
| \ | | Sternberg's "Triangular
Theory of Love" | |
| \ | P.E.A. |
| | \ | | | \ | / |
| | | Intimacy | Passion | |
| | | \ | / | |
| | | Commitment | |
So basically, what i was trying to say is (and actually, i already said it, i don't know why i need to repeat myself) that there are two kinds of love:
the verb and the noun
when you say you 'love' someone, make sure you *really* do love them, in the verb tense, otherwise you are unsure and insincere
when you say you are 'in love', remember that you are in 'mainstream love' with them ... usually, the love ppl are in, is romantic love ...
so when you say you are 'in (romantic) love' with someone, make sure that both intimacy and passion are factors in the relationship.
